Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
