he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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