I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
