Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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