I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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