matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
