my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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