They should really pass out barf bags in church
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
