If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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