The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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