My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
