I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
