I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
