I bet he comes in French.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
