Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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