It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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