Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
