i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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