Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
