I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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