i was born a porn star she said
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You need Xanax blowdarts
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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