I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
