fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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