someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Duck Duck Cougar?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
