I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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