i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
