Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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