The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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