I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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