Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
