We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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