The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I need to wash the frat house off of me
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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