You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
