i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
