she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He has the fingertips of a God
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