i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
