We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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