I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
