End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
