dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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