Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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