It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
