Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
