I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
