You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
you had me at cake vodka
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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