You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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