That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
