you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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