Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize