boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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