Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
