I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
