He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
