oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
