dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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